As widow/ers, we are at times unexpectedly confronted with events that spontaneously trigger undesired emotions. These “triggering events” can be social in nature, such as attending a holiday party or meeting friends at a restaurant. Triggering events can be initiated by hearing a particular song or handling a specific item of clothing. The common denominator amongst all triggering events is a temporary loss of emotional balance. This state of imbalance can lead to deep feelings of loss followed by sadness, anxiety or depression. As the name implies, emotions are triggered, which happen via one or more of your senses: taste, smell, vision, hearing and touch. Triggering events are most often thought of as something to avoid and if experienced, to be quickly vanquished. So, the question becomes how does one minimize a triggering event, if the conditions and circumstance which can cause the event are variable or unpredictable?
Here some strategies for successfully dealing with triggering events:
- Effective preparation – if you anticipate being in a situation where you have experienced or may be likely to experience a triggering event, prepare in advance. For example, if you are planning to attend a holiday dinner with friends or family, talk to attendees a few days before and let them know what is in-bounds and what is out-of-bounds for you.
- Change the cognitive channel – the moment you begin to experience a triggering event, immediately change your thought framework. For example, if you hear a song that reminds you of your lost spouse, quickly think what you can do to honor their memory. Take the sadness you are experiencing and turn it into the light of happiness by making a call to a friend or visiting someone in need.
- Rewire your brain for action – As much as we like to believe we are not in control of our emotions, the truth of the matter is each of us has a choice in how we process information and the actions we take. For example, if you walk into a room where you and your spouse would spend quality time together, begin to train your brain to take some of those conversations and build on them, putting new, positive plans into place your spouse would celebrate, such as volunteering or community service.
In summary, it is important to have a strategy in place for effectively dealing with triggering events. Triggering events can be spontaneous or sometimes anticipated. Your job is to have several resources and tools available to help minimize the affects of a triggering event and reduce their frequency of occurrence. Triggering events are completely normal. But rather than allow your negative emotions to get you down, create a resource toolkit with several options and see what works best for you!
- Seek opportunities to honor the memory of a loved one
- Divert your sadness into light by helping someone else
- Build upon shared memories to create new positive actions
Remember, we are all here to achieve our unique mission and purpose in life. The more time we spend allowing our dark emotions to color our thoughts and feelings, the less time we have to accomplish our goals in repairing this world. Be the happiness you want to experience. With great gratitude.